My mom has been gone for 4 years. In those for years I have not set foot on my mom's graveside. Why? I can't come to terms with her death. I try to avoid this and all the feelings I have inside. I miss her scolding me and calling me 'gordis'. I miss talking to her and I miss her words of wisdom. It doesn't feel like 4 years...doesn't seem that long ago. I rather live in denial but I know that is affecting my life...even with my dad. I can't be in denial any longer and for several reasons.
My uncle passed this last week. I knew that I had to be there for my cousins and my uncle. I knew my mom would want me there. I said I was going to go and I was determined to go. Thursday was my uncle's viewing and rosary and I couldn't do it. I broke down...I cried like a baby. One of my cousins asked where I was and why I didn't go...everyone was asking for me...especially my uncles kids. I felt like a failure and I felt like my mom was disappointed in me.
Friday. The mass and funeral. I knew that I had to go to the cemetery. I pass the cemetery everyday after work and I couldn't do it until yesterday just before my uncle's funeral. I called my friend, crying. Telling her how I needed to go because I couldn't avoid it any longer. She volunteered to go with me. The closer I got to the cemetery the more I became nervous. We parked and I started to panic but I did it. Seeing my mom's headstone made me break down and sob. It was so final.
It was one of the best things I did because I was able to be there for my uncle's funeral. My family was happy to see me because I think they thought I wasn't going to make it and I'm sure that some of my family members found out that I hadn't dealt with my mom's death. As I gave my final respects to my uncle and came across my cousins they saw me and said my name in relief and we sobbed and cried because we shared the loss of our parent. We had a connection that no one understood.
I haven't seen my family for 4 years, since my mom's passing but it was my choice. Several of my family put me through hell and said a lot of evil things that hurt a lot. They have never apologized and I have a lot of anger still but I know I have to let it go. Seeing how my cousins were hurt in a similar manner made me hurt for them.
My mom always told me to respect my uncles and aunts and I did. I tried. It was nice to see that I could have self control because I was scared if they hugged me or said hello I would tell them off. I didn't and I'm proud that I didn't. As I said before, I do have a lot of anger towards them (not all of them...mostly 3 of them) but today something happened.
My husband's uncle and aunt came to our house before I came home form work and this was God's way of making me listen. This is what I posted on my facebook.
How do you expect for things to be the way they were when you keep opening that mouth of yours and not think there will be consequences? Why is it when I come to you with a problem I have with you can turn it around and make it about you?When you say all these spiteful things to me, don't you think that I will remember it all? How do you expect me to forgive you when you don't even apologize or even try to change. You expect things to be as if nothing ever happened and act like we are best-friends. Well, I have this to say. I have been done and I am tired of your mess. I will no longer give you a chance. I have my own problems to worry about. I don't have anymore room for anymore toxic people. The only thing you will get from me is prayer. I pray that you and your family will be well. I pray that God will help me to forgive you EVERY single time you run your mouth. I pray that God forgives me for holding grudges. But I know this for a fact. I know God does not want me to hurt so I chose to put you out of my life.
- ► 2013 (21)
- ► 2012 (32)
- ▼ 2011 (58)