Saturday, November 19, 2011

Conversation

My mom has been gone for 4 years. In those for years I have not set foot on my mom's graveside. Why? I can't come to terms with her death. I try to avoid this and all the feelings I have inside. I miss her scolding me and calling me 'gordis'. I miss talking to her and I miss her words of wisdom. It doesn't feel like 4 years...doesn't seem that long ago. I rather live in denial but I know that is affecting my life...even with my dad. I can't be in denial any longer and for several reasons.
My uncle passed this last week. I knew that I had to be there for my cousins and my uncle. I knew my mom would want me there. I said I was going to go and I was determined to go. Thursday was my uncle's viewing and rosary and I couldn't do it. I broke down...I cried like a baby. One of my cousins asked where I was and why I didn't go...everyone was asking for me...especially my uncles kids. I felt like a failure and I felt like my mom was disappointed in me.
Friday. The mass and funeral. I knew that I had to go to the cemetery. I pass the cemetery everyday after work and I couldn't do it until yesterday just before my uncle's funeral. I called my friend, crying. Telling her how I needed to go because I couldn't avoid it any longer. She volunteered to go with me. The closer I got to the cemetery the more I became nervous. We parked and I started to panic but I did it. Seeing my mom's headstone made me break down and sob. It was so final.
It was one of the best things I did because I was able to be there for my uncle's funeral. My family was happy to see me because I think they thought I wasn't going to make it and I'm sure that some of my family members found out that I hadn't dealt with my mom's death. As I gave my final respects to my uncle and came across my cousins they saw me and said my name in relief and we sobbed and cried because we shared the loss of our parent. We had a connection that no one understood.
I haven't seen my family for 4 years, since my mom's passing but it was my choice. Several of my family put me through hell and said a lot of evil things that hurt a lot. They have never apologized and I have a lot of anger still but I know I have to let it go. Seeing how my cousins were hurt in a similar manner made me hurt for them.
My mom always told me to respect my uncles and aunts and I did. I tried. It was nice to see that I could have self control because I was scared if they hugged me or said hello I would tell them off. I didn't and I'm proud that I didn't. As I said before, I do have a lot of anger towards them (not all of them...mostly 3 of them) but today something happened.
My husband's uncle and aunt came to our house before I came home form work and this was God's way of making me listen. This is what I posted on my facebook.

...I loved listening to him talk about life and one thing that stuck out was this: Whatever you do in your life (the bad and good) God gives you the opportunity to learn and accept it in hopes that you will grow and blesses you for the good you have done in one way or the other. And what you don't like in someone else or if you did someone wrong it will come back to you...not to hurt you but to help you understand and hopefully change your mindset. God does things for a reason and he sent Ryan's uncle to remind me of that. I know it may be too deep for some people but I felt the need to share this.

...I also posted this a couple of weeks ago (not about my mom's side of the family)...

How do you expect for things to be the way they were when you keep opening that mouth of yours and not think there will be consequences? Why is it when I come to you with a problem I have with you can turn it around and make it about you?When you say all these spiteful things to me, don't you think that I will remember it all? How do you expect me to forgive you when you don't even apologize or even try to change. You expect things to be as if nothing ever happened and act like we are best-friends. Well, I have this to say. I have been done and I am tired of your mess. I will no longer give you a chance. I have my own problems to worry about. I don't have anymore room for anymore toxic people. The only thing you will get from me is prayer. I pray that you and your family will be well. I pray that God will help me to forgive you EVERY single time you run your mouth. I pray that God forgives me for holding grudges. But I know this for a fact. I know God does not want me to hurt so I chose to put you out of my life.
...I was very angry with this person. Can you tell? But it is true. It is hard to forgive someone when they keep beating you down but I have to try.

After this whole experience I would like to say that this still does not make right what some of my family did but I know that this is a life lesson. I can't live life being angry with them. I HAVE to forgive because when I do forgive them I will be able to handle whatever life throws at me in the future. I will always be surrounded by people that will try to hurt me and say mean things to me from my side of my family and my husband's side of the family and and even my so-called friends but I can't let all that darkness fill my heart. I know it will take time but I know if I try to forgive I won't have regrets. This doesn't mean I have to keep them in my life but instead have them in arms distance. I know I can do this and I pray that I can.

I know this has nothing to do with scrapbooking/crafting but I wanted to share what has REALLY been going on. I'm struggling with life in general and not just this whole family thing. I know it will pass and I know God is there. I know my mom is watching over me trying to lead me in the right path. I just have to listen.




3 comments:

  1. Ami...ok why you making me cry!!!! LOL...reading your post here helps me put things in prespective with everything that has been going on. You should know that's God's work at hand...and that me and you were meant to be friends...and to me more than just that...mi hermana por vida...I Love you Susi and feel your pain more than you know....aye...'che waterworks going on here....ok bestie...enough crying...TQM! and never forget that! I love your nutcrackers...Abrazos Ami! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. =') Me tearing up and love that you are always there for me. Que llorana soy! Jajaja! Yeah, I have been happier and trying to stay positive about life and so far it's working. I wub you mi hermana. You are amazing y TQM!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. So sorry that you have been having so many difficult times but when I was reading the part about you not being able to go to your uncles mass and dealing with the grief you had for your Mom and also your Uncle, it hit me...you know your Mom was with you that day don't you.....thats how you were able to go. Unfortunately, I also know much grief in my life and I can feel your pain. I am so happy things are coming along better for you, Hugz

    ReplyDelete